Archive for the ‘non-traditional’ tag

How to Start Planning a Non-Traditional Wedding

OR
What to Do When You Don’t Have a Dream Wedding

I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven’t slept all night, I’m starved, AND I’m armed! Don’t MESS with me! ~ Miss Congeniality

I think that some people in the wedding industry may not believe this, but not every woman has been planning her dream wedding since she was old enough to spell the words “I do”. Some of us were busy dreaming about other things, like what we would name the used book shop we wanted to open, or what the foreword of our first book would be. Then one day we find ourselves planning a wedding and we don’t know where on earth to start.

And that was me in 2002, I started planning my wedding with barely an ounce of inspiration. What I did know was that the traditional white dress princess-for-a-day wedding wasn’t me. (On some days I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to wear a dress or a tux. ) So I cruised the internet looking for information and I found some checklists and articles. I chose the bits I liked and ignored the rest.

And now several years later, with several friends’ weddings behind me, I have an opinion on where to start when you don’t know where to start.

Step 1: Figure out what can you get away with.

Once you start talking about your wedding plans, opinions will start flying out of the wood work. You may not have a dream wedding, but your mother may have a dream for your wedding day. Married friends will want to tell you all about what they did. (I myself am guilty of this one… I even started a website about it.) Unfortunately people can have very strong opinions about weddings and what is and is not appropriate. I believe that if it’s legal, it’s fair game…. but your grandmother might not agree with me.

This is why the very first thing you should do is sit down and talk with your significant other about your families. Discuss how opinionated they are versus how open minded they are. Then you’re going to want to start talking to your relatives, letting them know that your plans might not be very traditional and watching how they react. You may be surprised by who thinks wedding traditions are bogus and who doesn’t. You can also get a feel about how strongly they feel about your ideas. Once you have this information, you can start thinking about what you’re willing to fight for versus what you’ll compromise on. You may also find out that these decisions effect your budget. Relatives that strongly disagree with you may withhold funding to get what they want.

Step 2. Figure out who is paying for what and what your budget is.

I keep trying to separate those two things but it never works.

Weddings are expensive and the money needs to come from somewhere. It used to be tradition that the bride’s family was responsible for paying for the wedding. The groom’s family got away with paying for the rehearsal dinner and little else. But these days, it’s not that cut and dry. Feminism and gay marriage both throw bolts in the gears of that tradition. I don’t think I need to explain why.

So, once you’ve figured out what you can and can’t get away with, start talking about who is contributing to the wedding budget. Talk to your parents, grand parents and in some cases your friends to find out what they can afford. The after you find out what people think they can contribute, determine how reliable that promise is. It’s unfortunate, but people don’t always come through on their promises, even for a wedding. Only you and your significant other can really determine what expectations are reasonable. If they’ve let you down before, it’s safer to assume they won’t be contributing to the wedding fund. (You can then be overjoyed if they actually come through.)

Then when you have an idea of where the money is coming from, try to get a firm idea of what your total budget is. The big number will help you determine just about everything else. [I highly recommend tracking all of your expenses with a spreadsheet (Excel, Open Office Calc..etc). ]

Step 3. Figure out everything else.

Sorry, I can’t tell you what the next step is without knowing what you want. So here are some questions you might want to answer:

Who is in the bridal party?
Who do I need to invite? (AKA How big is the party going to be?)
Where will we have the ceremony / reception? (Will they be in the same location?)
Who is going to perform the ceremony?
What am I going to wear?
What is my significant other going to wear?}

How to Shop for a Wedding Dress That Isn’t White

Oh baby, Lilly Munster. Ain’t got nothing on you.
~ Black No. 1 by Type O Negative

Unfortunately, most bridal shops don’t carry “wedding gowns” that aren’t some shade of white. And I don’t care WHAT they say, ivory IS white. I agree that it’s a shade of white that will compliment my complexion, but it is STILL white. Places like David’s are getting better about adding elements of color to their designs, but the majority of dresses marketed to brides are well, not black.

And depending on where you are looking, some sales people are going to be more stubborn than others. They’re just not going to get it. In their world, all brides get married in white. They all want veils or tiaras. Oh and they all want to cover up their tattoos. But if you’re reading this, it’s more likely that you want your dress to accent your back piece or that you want your dress to compliment your bright blue hair. (Or maybe you simply don’t look good in white.)

The easiest way to get the exact dress you want is to have it custom made, but this option can be very expensive. You could also make it yourself, but you’re going to have a lot of things to do as your wedding day gets closer. Making a dress can be time consuming, and may not go well if you’re not an accomplished seamstress.

So you’re going to go shopping. And in my mind, the fastest way to avoid unwanted sales pitches, is to lie. Tell them you’re a bridesmaid. Tell them your office is having a large formal celebration. Tell them you’re chaperoning a prom. It doesn’t matter. All of these statements will get you treated like a normal shopper, and not like a Bride(tm). You might get the brush off if a Bridezilla walks in the door, but the plus side to this is you won’t have to deal with sales pitches.

And if you’re anything like me or my friends, you’ve already started checking out dresses online. I recently went to an appointment at a tiny boutique with a friend of mine, and she brought a list of item numbers of dresses she liked and wanted to try on. The saleswoman was at a loss. We broke the script. She launched into a very practiced speech about how dresses you see on the internet might not look right for her body type, and it was important for my friend to try on different types of dresses to see what would work best. We politely explained that this was precisely why we had come in to try them on. Unfortunately, this is the typical MO of many a bridal shop. They want to get a quick idea of what the bride likes and just start bringing her dresses. Good salespeople will be able to track down a dress by it’s item number. Others can’t or won’t.

So you can make appointments at several different bridal boutiques to find one of the awesome ones. Or you can consider skipping the shops all together. If you go this route, your first stop is to check out the mall during prom season. Prom dresses come in lots of colors, although not always wedding appropriate styles. Your next stop should be to second hand shops in your area. Finding the perfect dress in your size might be more difficult, but these shops are often hiding hidden treasures. And if you’re feeling brave, go ahead and order some dresses from web retailers. Check their return policies first and be prepared to pay to ship the rejects back. In addition, if you can’t find the perfect dress, but can find an inexpensive version of “almost perfect” you can use the money you saved to get the dress altered.

In the end, what’s most important is that your wedding dress is comfortable and makes you feel beautiful. Unless you’re planning on wearing a corset, and then comfortable is optional.