How to Get the Wedding YOU Want
How to Get the Wedding YOU Want
“I need that wedding. I need some beauty and some music and some place cards before I die. It’s like heroin.”
~ Debbie Reynolds in the movie In & Out
Maybe your mother didn’t get what she wanted because HER mother interfered. Maybe your grandfather’s peers simply wouldn’t approve. Whatever the reason, you’ve got a family member (or members) who are pushing you to have the kind of wedding they want. If you’re here, it’s because you need a way to push back.
Disclaimer: I have to admit, I am really lucky. My family, especially my parents, knew all along that my wedding was going to be different. There were some disagreements but for the most part I didn’t have to fight for what I wanted. The biggest disagreement was about the size of our guest list, and we settled that fairly quickly. I know that some of my family members didn’t get it, but they came, they had a good time and most importantly, the drama was kept to a minimum. That being said there is NO GUARANTEE that any of these ideas will work for you. So please don’t hold me responsible if you try one of my more extreme methods and your parents disown you.
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Method 1. Make them wait.
My husband and I got married for our tenth anniversary. We’d been living together for several years and honestly I was running out of reasons to put it off. To a certain extent I think many of my family members were so thrilled that I was finally married that they hardly noticed the lack of dancing, cake cutting and bouquet throwing at the reception. There was definitely a “do what you want, just please get married already” vibe coming from my father whenever I asked for money…
Method 2. Pay for it yourself.
Ok, this isn’t possible for everyone but it IS a viable way to get what you want. If you save up and pay for everything yourself, no one can hold financial help hostage to make you cover up your tattoos for the wedding pictures. (Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean your family won’t try to “help” nor will it stop them from offering opinions and advice.)
Method 3. Do it twice.
I technically had two weddings. One was a small wedding / reception combo that was primarily for family. This is the event I made all the compromises on, and it had many traditional wedding elements. However one week later we had a HUGE party with tons of friends, horror movies, video games, glow sticks and music most wedding DJs wouldn’t risk bringing with them. My parents paid for event 1 and we paid for event 2, and I got EVERYTHING I wanted this way. Was it cheap? No. Was it easy to plan? No. Was it worth it. Hell yeah. (NOTE: If you choose this method I recommend spacing the events further apart than 1 week.)
Method 4. Come up with something worse than what you really want.
On the few occasions that my mom and I disagreed I would tease her that I was going to elope. I kept saying I would run away to Vegas and have a vampire themed wedding. I don’t think she ever took me seriously, but I also think she wasn’t about to risk it.
Method 5. Pick your battles and compromise.
I know, I know…. This is probably easier said than done. It may even require a mediator on occasion. But if getting married in fairy wings is more important to you than not inviting your dad’s best friend from high school whom you’ve never met… well, you may have some ground to negotiate there. Or let mom plan the ceremony with the condition that you get to plan the reception “no questions asked”. Your ceremony may be filled with white lace and rose petals, but your reception can have the bats and the spiders.
(NOTE: OffBeatBride.com has a GREAT article about wedding conflict resolution.)
Method 6. Elope.
Seriously. Just run away and get married. Or don’t run away – just make an appointment at town hall. There will certainly be a backlash but you might be able to distract them with an elopement celebration party. Once you’re actually married, some people lose their conviction regarding “how things are done”.
Method 7. Don’t involve them in the planning.
A friend of mine (who is paying for her own wedding) got tired of her family complaining about her choices. So now she’s responding to questions with “It’s a surprise” to avoid the rude and disapproving comments she was hearing over and over again. Another good statement you can use in this situation is “I haven’t decided yet,” though this may encourage “helpful” suggestions.
Method 8. Do it at the last minute.
A whirlwind engagement might be just the thing to diffuse potential drama. Feel free to do all the research for what you want well in advance. Just don’t announce the wedding until a month of so before the event. Tell them you can’t wait to be married. Tell them you WANT something more traditional but you’ll have to settle for XYZ because you’re in such a rush. Traditional locations and vendors may be booked for the day you want. Plus large chain bridal shops often can’t get their standard stock wedding gown delivered and altered without several months of notice. If this works, people will be so caught up in the excitement they might not notice that your hair is still green on your wedding day.
Method 9. Get them to renew their vows.
This is somewhat of a stretch for many people and may involve lots and lots of work. However, if a someone interfered with your parents’ weddings, they may feel entitled to interfere with yours. Some people have probably heard the tales a million times, and can lay the ground work for this method well in advance. Other people may not find out until they’re planning their own wedding. If this is you, you may luck out and hear the statement “I didn’t get what I wanted!” This is your chance to pounce, but don’t snap or be sarcastic. You need to be genuine here, and suggest that the wedding of their dreams is long overdue but it should be THEIR wedding, not yours. It’s only fair.
Method 10. Involve a third party.
Sometimes you may need a friend, family member, the wedding planner or even the clergy performing the ceremony to step in and speak for you. In some situations, what you’re saying may not click until they hear it from someone else. Other times, you might just need to find pictures and stories from other, similar weddings to show them that this weird thing you’re trying to do isn’t that uncommon.
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In my personal opinion, there is no reason you shouldn’t resort to trickery, manipulation or threats. I also believe you shouldn’t HAVE to. In addition to that, I believe sometimes it just isn’t worth it. So before you decide to kill your mother’s dream of watching you walk down the aisle, think about what a “wedding” is to you. Ask yourself WHY you are having a wedding and exactly how much you want others to approve of what you’ve done.
And no matter WHAT you decide, keep reminding yourself that the next day you and your significant other will still be married. The wedding will be over but your “marriage” will still be there. The color of your dress, the types of place cards you chose… none of that will matter anymore, because you love someone, they love you, and you’ve decided to spend the rest of your lives together.
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I just found your site through google. Love the info!
Alesia Vanhamlin
27 Mar 10 at 6:10 pm