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What to Do When You Don’t Have a Dream Wedding
I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven’t slept all night, I’m starved, AND I’m armed! Don’t MESS with me! ~ Miss Congeniality
I think that some people in the wedding industry may not believe this, but not every woman has been planning her dream wedding since she was old enough to spell the words “I do”. Some of us were busy dreaming about other things, like what we would name the used book shop we wanted to open, or what the foreword of our first book would be. Then one day we find ourselves planning a wedding and we don’t know where on earth to start.
And that was me in 2002, I started planning my wedding with barely an ounce of inspiration. What I did know was that the traditional white dress princess-for-a-day wedding wasn’t me. (On some days I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to wear a dress or a tux. ) So I cruised the internet looking for information and I found some checklists and articles. I chose the bits I liked and ignored the rest.
And now several years later, with several friends’ weddings behind me, I have an opinion on where to start when you don’t know where to start.
Step 1: Figure out what can you get away with.
Once you start talking about your wedding plans, opinions will start flying out of the wood work. You may not have a dream wedding, but your mother may have a dream for your wedding day. Married friends will want to tell you all about what they did. (I myself am guilty of this one… I even started a website about it.) Unfortunately people can have very strong opinions about weddings and what is and is not appropriate. I believe that if it’s legal, it’s fair game…. but your grandmother might not agree with me.
This is why the very first thing you should do is sit down and talk with your significant other about your families. Discuss how opinionated they are versus how open minded they are. Then you’re going to want to start talking to your relatives, letting them know that your plans might not be very traditional and watching how they react. You may be surprised by who thinks wedding traditions are bogus and who doesn’t. You can also get a feel about how strongly they feel about your ideas. Once you have this information, you can start thinking about what you’re willing to fight for versus what you’ll compromise on. You may also find out that these decisions effect your budget. Relatives that strongly disagree with you may withhold funding to get what they want.
Step 2. Figure out who is paying for what and what your budget is.
I keep trying to separate those two things but it never works.
Weddings are expensive and the money needs to come from somewhere. It used to be tradition that the bride’s family was responsible for paying for the wedding. The groom’s family got away with paying for the rehearsal dinner and little else. But these days, it’s not that cut and dry. Feminism and gay marriage both throw bolts in the gears of that tradition. I don’t think I need to explain why.
So, once you’ve figured out what you can and can’t get away with, start talking about who is contributing to the wedding budget. Talk to your parents, grand parents and in some cases your friends to find out what they can afford. The after you find out what people think they can contribute, determine how reliable that promise is. It’s unfortunate, but people don’t always come through on their promises, even for a wedding. Only you and your significant other can really determine what expectations are reasonable. If they’ve let you down before, it’s safer to assume they won’t be contributing to the wedding fund. (You can then be overjoyed if they actually come through.)
Then when you have an idea of where the money is coming from, try to get a firm idea of what your total budget is. The big number will help you determine just about everything else. [I highly recommend tracking all of your expenses with a spreadsheet (Excel, Open Office Calc..etc). ]
Step 3. Figure out everything else.
Sorry, I can’t tell you what the next step is without knowing what you want. So here are some questions you might want to answer:
Who is in the bridal party?
Who do I need to invite? (AKA How big is the party going to be?)
Where will we have the ceremony / reception? (Will they be in the same location?)
Who is going to perform the ceremony?
What am I going to wear?
What is my significant other going to wear?}
Website: http://www.classiccakescm.com/
From the Website: Classic Cakes, owned and operated by Carol Murdock, is located in West Hartford, CT but her creations can be and are shipped anywhere in the world.
Review: This is my cake vendor. Classic Cakes can make you a simple traditional cake or a an edible piece of artwork. Check out the Specialty Gallery for some of their more creative work.
I had a blast working with Carol. I walked into her office with a vague idea and some pictures of dragons. During that first meeting we sketched out our vision for my cake. The final result was amazing, and the cake was VERY tasty.
I want to say I spent about $300 on the cake with delivery. (But I can’t find my receipt, so I could be wrong.) My total purchase was for a 4 tiered cake where the top 3 tiers were actually sculpture. The bottom layer was edible and there was a sheet cake that was cut and served to our guests. (Approximately 60 people.)
Location: West Hartford, CT
Posted: August 9th, 2009
at 1:00pm by RedGown
Tagged with Cakes
Categories: Food
Comments: No comments
Oh baby, Lilly Munster. Ain’t got nothing on you.
~ Black No. 1 by Type O Negative
Unfortunately, most bridal shops don’t carry “wedding gowns” that aren’t some shade of white. And I don’t care WHAT they say, ivory IS white. I agree that it’s a shade of white that will compliment my complexion, but it is STILL white. Places like David’s are getting better about adding elements of color to their designs, but the majority of dresses marketed to brides are well, not black.
And depending on where you are looking, some sales people are going to be more stubborn than others. They’re just not going to get it. In their world, all brides get married in white. They all want veils or tiaras. Oh and they all want to cover up their tattoos. But if you’re reading this, it’s more likely that you want your dress to accent your back piece or that you want your dress to compliment your bright blue hair. (Or maybe you simply don’t look good in white.)
The easiest way to get the exact dress you want is to have it custom made, but this option can be very expensive. You could also make it yourself, but you’re going to have a lot of things to do as your wedding day gets closer. Making a dress can be time consuming, and may not go well if you’re not an accomplished seamstress.
So you’re going to go shopping. And in my mind, the fastest way to avoid unwanted sales pitches, is to lie. Tell them you’re a bridesmaid. Tell them your office is having a large formal celebration. Tell them you’re chaperoning a prom. It doesn’t matter. All of these statements will get you treated like a normal shopper, and not like a Bride(tm). You might get the brush off if a Bridezilla walks in the door, but the plus side to this is you won’t have to deal with sales pitches.
And if you’re anything like me or my friends, you’ve already started checking out dresses online. I recently went to an appointment at a tiny boutique with a friend of mine, and she brought a list of item numbers of dresses she liked and wanted to try on. The saleswoman was at a loss. We broke the script. She launched into a very practiced speech about how dresses you see on the internet might not look right for her body type, and it was important for my friend to try on different types of dresses to see what would work best. We politely explained that this was precisely why we had come in to try them on. Unfortunately, this is the typical MO of many a bridal shop. They want to get a quick idea of what the bride likes and just start bringing her dresses. Good salespeople will be able to track down a dress by it’s item number. Others can’t or won’t.
So you can make appointments at several different bridal boutiques to find one of the awesome ones. Or you can consider skipping the shops all together. If you go this route, your first stop is to check out the mall during prom season. Prom dresses come in lots of colors, although not always wedding appropriate styles. Your next stop should be to second hand shops in your area. Finding the perfect dress in your size might be more difficult, but these shops are often hiding hidden treasures. And if you’re feeling brave, go ahead and order some dresses from web retailers. Check their return policies first and be prepared to pay to ship the rejects back. In addition, if you can’t find the perfect dress, but can find an inexpensive version of “almost perfect” you can use the money you saved to get the dress altered.
In the end, what’s most important is that your wedding dress is comfortable and makes you feel beautiful. Unless you’re planning on wearing a corset, and then comfortable is optional.
Website: http://www.plumparty.com/
From the Website: Plum Party supplies, party favors for party themes, decorations, unique gifts for birthdays, paper goods and party centerpieces..
Review: I find this site to be a little pricey, but it does have some unique paper goods and decorations for a theme wedding. I’m especially fond of their Halloween section. But even if your wedding isn’t headed in the goth direction, you’re still likely to find something awesome there. I found really nice paper plates with scalloped edges sold in packaged of 8 for $10. I also found some art deco print fabric table runners for $32.00. (I found the table runner in the Eco-friendly section.)
They also have invitations, but there are more shower and engagement party invites than there are wedding invitations. Might be worth a look for smaller weddings.
Location: US – Will Ship Internationally
Website: http://www.darkgarden.com/
From the Website: Unique Corsetry & Couture Clothing
Review: Corsets for women AND men. They also have corset dresses, but their FAQ admits that you can’t really sit down in one. (Not something I’d recommend on your wedding day.) They will make full wedding gowns as well. According to their website corset prices run from $300 to $600.
Location: US – Will Ship Internationally
Once again, things that could’ve been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!
~ Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer
Getting married is a big decision, and I have no doubt that you’ve heard numerous opinions on the matter already. Friends, family members, and even coworkers are all ready to tell you what they think about what YOU should do. The problem is these people don’t always share your views on marriage, weddings, and commitment. Family members are famous for pushing you to “settle down” even if you’re been living with the same person for 5 years (or more). Then there are those friends who will tell you that getting married means the end of your life.
Similarly, I bet many people reading this have heard, “You’ll save money if you get married?” This statement is usually referring to taxes and health insurance. Unfortunately, I’ve learned through personal experience that it’s not that simple.
So what I’ve done is made a list of myths and information I would have found really helpful before I got married.
***
1. You’ll Get a Tax Break
Myth!
Changing your filing status from single to married effectively puts you in a higher tax bracket. My father is a tax collector and he called it a “marriage penalty”.
In the United States, couples who both work full time do not see a significant tax break unless they have children or own a house. My husband and I discovered this the hard way. Before we got married we were living together, sharing all of our expenses, and using a joint bank account. We weren’t legally married, despite all outward appearances, so we filed our taxes separately. Each year we got a nice fat refund check. Unfortunately, after we got married we found ourselves owing money.
Luckily, there are ways to prepare for this. The federal W-4 form actually comes with a “Two Earner Worksheet”. I’ve filled out several W-4 forms over the years but I had never seen it before. That’s because it’s on Page 2 of the form – which some employers don’t bother to print out for you. The worksheet is there so you can determine if you and your spouse need to have additional funds withdrawn from your paycheck to cover your taxes. (If your employer doesn’t hand you page 2, you can go online and download it.) My husband and I have an extra $50 taken out of our paychecks and that makes a big difference for us.
Also, if it’s just you and your spouse: Always, always ALWAYS put your allowances as 0. The worksheet on the first page tells you that you can put “1″ down for yourself, and another 1 for your spouse. I think this works to your advantage if your spouse is a stay at home mom or dad, but not in a two earner household.
These tips are especially important the year before you get married. Because they tax the whole year based on your legal filing status when the year ended. I even suggest updating your W-4 as soon as you set a date and have the extra taken out in preparation. The worst that can happen is that you have a slightly smaller paycheck and a much larger refund.
Side Note: It took a few years to figure things out, but my husband and I are now seeing tax refunds again.
2. You’ll Save on Health Insurance
Myth!
The health insurance situation is tricky. Every employer is different, as is every insurance plan. Most employers pay for a portion of your health insurance, and take the rest out of your paycheck. A handful of employers give you health benefits, and don’t take any money out of your paycheck to cover it. Either way these plans usually cover you, and not your spouse or your children. Those plans cost more. Some employers allow you to add someone to your plan so long as you’re willing to pay the difference. Other companies cover whole families and only ask you to contribute a tiny bit more towards your plan. You’re going to need to find out which of these statements describes your employer before you’ll know if being married will save you money on health insurance.
If one of you can’t get health insurance through work, but the other can, the answer is simple. Adding your spouse to your plan may result in a smaller paycheck, but you’ll save money later if your spouse gets sick or injured.
If you both have health insurance through work, you’re going to need to compare the options. This includes: What is currently deducted from each paycheck? What will change if one of you switches plans? What do you pay for prescriptions and co-pays currently? Is dental or vision included in the plans? You’re going to spend some time number crunching but I promise you it’ll be worth it.
AND, don’t forget: Each time your plans change, you’ll want to compare the options again.
Side Note: Being married CAN lower your car insurance. My husband’s rates dropped significantly after the wedding. My research shows that it can also effect home owners’ insurance. Neither is guaranteed and the final numbers will depend on the company you’re with.
3. Everything Changes
Myth!
This mind set comes from the days when living together before being married was scandalous. I think it still applies to some couples – like people who chose to stay celibate until their wedding night.
HOWEVER, the “changes” that are most likely to occur after your wedding aren’t really that amazing:
* Your filing status for taxes will be different.
* You can move from “wedding planning mode” to “wedding recovery mode”.
* You may have a larger savings account thanks to all your wedding guests.
* You may also own several more blenders than you used to.
* One or both or you may have to get used to wearing a ring everyday.
* You get to say wife or husband instead of girl/boyfriend or fiance.
There are certainly couples that find their relationship strengthened after a formal wedding ceremony. However, for a large number of us, going from being engaged to being married did not effect our relationship at all. We love each other the same way. We are committed to each other the same way. Have the same interests and differences of opinions. We all still fight the same way… etc. etc.
4. I Won’t Be Able To Visit Them In The Hospital If We’re Not Married.
Myth!
I’ve heard this a lot, so I searched Google and checked the visitor policies of the first 10 hospitals I found. Not one of them said anything about “Only family members can visit”. I found wards where children are restricted or banned. I found policies that stated that doctor’s have the final word on whether the patient can have visitors and how many. I even found a policy that said “we won’t tell you what room the patient is in unless they provide us with written permission”. I didn’t find anything that would prevent someone from visiting their partner.
Maybe this was true at some point, but my instincts are telling me this is another hold over from the days when people never lived together and have 3 kids BEFORE getting married.
5. Now That You’re Married You Need To Start Thinking About Your Future.
Truth!
You should have been doing this already, but getting married is a good enough time to start thinking about retirement plans and life insurance. It’s easy to forget about these things when you’re young and immortal. Unfortunately, as you get older having a plan and having it in writing becomes more and more important. I’m also talking about making sure you have a will as well as a LIVING will. It also can’t hurt to start discussing how you want to be buried.
All this may be depressing but it is important that you and your spouse have something in writing stating exactly what you want to happen if something terrible occurs. Emotional family members fighting to keep your spouse on life support aren’t going to care that once, during a long car ride, he asked you to pull the plug. In addition, if the unthinkable happens, you really want a will to keep greedy family members from trying to take possession of your joint belongings. (I wish I was making that up, but I know for a fact that it happens.)
6. People Will Treat You Differently After You Get Married
Truth!
Ok, back at point number three I discussed the fact that your relationship probably won’t change once you’re married. Unfortunately, this isn’t that same when we’re talking about how other people view your relationship. Simply using the words “my husband” or “my wife” can change how you’re treated when you ask for time off for a family emergency. Some companies won’t let you use bereavement time for your girlfriend of 12 year’s mother, but your wife’s mother is ok EVEN if she’s been your wife for 2 weeks and you married her while on a bender in Vegas…
Website: http://www.mardigansmaile.com/
From the Website: With over 25 years experience we are the largest hand-crafted Chainmaile Company in the Northeast United States….
Review: Chain mail isn’t just to up your armor class any more. This site has an amazing array of chain mail jewelry, including chokers, hand flowers, headbands and chaplets. Many of the pieces are embellished with beads, and you can choose which color you want. They carry semi-precious stone and glass beads that have their own page so you can take a look at them before you order. You can also design your own chaplet based on their designs. Simpler items start around $30 and more intricate items can be around $300. They also offer chain mail tops, skirts and coifs. Halters and skirts are closer to $300, but men’s shirts can cost $1000 or more.
Location: US – Will Ship Internationally
I was away and a conference and am playing catch-up. Sunday’s post will happen this Wednesday.
This coming Sunday’s post will happen the next Wednesday as well.
After that, we go back to normal for awhile…
Website: One Day Marriage Designation Instructions
Review: My husband and I chose this route after I had a bad experience interviewing a JP. (She had a number of secular sample ceremonies but it became clear during the interview that she was not open minded.) Rather than go through several more interviews, we asked a close friend to perform the ceremony.
In Massachusetts, any one person can perform the ceremony for any two people on a specific day, in a specific place. You’ll have to write your own ceremony but there are sample ceremonies all over the Internet. Just download one and modify it if you have to.
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Website: http://www.absolutecorsets.com/
From the Website: Your one stop Corset Shop for Victorian corsets, Leather corsets, Bridal corsets, Corset Dresses, Tight corsets, corset accessories and more…
Review: There are some really gorgeous corsets on this site. They’ve got just about everything I could think of, including sections for satin, brocade, PVC Vinyl and leather -to name a few.
The site is set up in three sections: Overbust, Underbust & Accessories
The accessories section has lacing, lingerie, hosiery and skirts. The selection of skirts covers a variety of styles and I found a number of skirts that you could use to turn a corset into a wedding dress. (Actually, depending on the look you’re going for, they ALL could be part of a wedding ensemble. Some are just less formal than others.)
Most of the ones I clicked on were in the $300 to $400 range. There are drop down menu’s for choosing a waist measurement, but you should submit your other measurements as well. (They even have a nifty way to add your measurements to your shopping cart.) Each item is made to order unless you choose something from their “In Stock” pages.
Location: US – Will Ship Internationally
